Is Surrender Part Of Becoming A Strong And Effective Parent?

Posted by Sanford Shapiro on September 21, 2016

As an educational consultant and learning specialist, I sometimes have parents seeking my input on becoming better at discipline and how to be a stronger, more effective parent. My advice has changed over the years.

A few years back, my young adult stepson was a client at a dual diagnosis Wilderness Treatment program. He was there for serious reasons. He was, and is, someone with serious addictions, significant anxiety, and intermittent depression. His late teenage and young adult life have been a relative nightmare most of the time.

However, even though he has slipped back into despair and disease, his mom and I are incredibly grateful for that time he spent in treatment in Utah. We know beyond a shadow of a doubt that his treatment time set him free to a degree, in moments. In fact, it led to a relatively healthy and for him, happy year subsequent to completion. He had sobriety, a job, a girlfriend, and some purpose.

The reason he fell so far backward is relatively simple. He never bought into the idea of treating himself. He felt that his way out of drug use was through will power. The holes were too deep however for him to fill. He felt that “if only I have a job, I’ll be OK.”

Back to the question of surrender.

During the middle phase of his wilderness treatment, he started putting up a fuss and was creating turmoil around his desire to give up. He felt he’d gotten all of what he needed (though that was not the case at all). On our end back in Oregon, my wife and I wrote separate letters to him. Our letters had a common element. We gave up the idea of influencing him. We surrendered to the reality that there was nothing we could do to change him in any meaningful way. I wrote to him that he was really free to do as he pleased. Besides any other words that may have been in the letter, I let him know that if he chose to stop the program that was his choice, and let him know about buses to Salt Lake and the availability of homeless shelters. We let him know that under those circumstances, he was not able to come to our home. It was winter and a horrible option for him. But it was his option. All I could do was keep an intention and feeling while I wrote that letter, to be free of sarcasm, or of goals to convince and make points. I surrendered to what is, and what was at that moment.

I have had scores of clients, other people’s children, who have found their way out of the darkness of mental health and addiction struggles through wilderness treatment and aftercare. Sadly Adam is not one of them yet.

Through the pain of parenting a loved one in so much despair, we have gone through a stripping away of all sorts, of expectations and certain hopes. That stripping away of ego takes you through some seriously unpleasant territory. However, we are left on the other side with a much clearer vision of self-love and boundaries and a more peaceful love of family in general. Surrendering to what is, and letting go of expectations means embracing what’s in front of you and all around. I think I am a better mate and certainly a much better parent to my other stepson as a result. It’s helped me in my educational consulting practice and in life at large.

Surrendering then can be a form of mindfulness, of what is, rather than what we expect, or wish for. Sometimes it only lasts a moment. Within that moment though, somehow, peace enters otherwise tumultuous experiences and feelings. In those moments our influence to shape ourselves and events grows. It’s a kind of flexible strength and like water, can reshape even the hardest of rocks.

Sanford Shapiro is a nationally known learning disability specialist and educational consultant. He is the founder of the Bend Learning Center, a day clinic specializing in working with people with dyslexia and related learning differences. Sanford is also the owner of LD Resources, a weblog of helpful information for the LD community.