I Am A Survivor

Posted by Belinda Chaplin on September 08, 2016

Let me start by introducing myself…..my name is Belinda Chaplin, I am a born and raised Mid Nebraska Girl! My husband Jason and I have been married for 13 years the end of August. We have been blessed with two children, Brice (age 10) and Brinlee (age 7)!

I am a full-time Office Manager, mom, taxi, and so much more…..and I wouldn’t change it for anything.

And lastly, I am a Survivor…. a survivor to losing a loved one to suicide. MY DAD.

So that is what brings me to write this guest blog for Evoke.

Let’s rewind 27 months to Friday, May 30, 2014. Jason and Brice left that morning to go fishing with some friends. After work, my mom agreed to take Brinlee and I to meet them at the campground where we were going to camp and fish for the weekend. My dad helped me load the stroller and other stuff in the van…I gave him a hug, he said something ornery, and I said goodbye. I didn’t know at the time that it would be the last hug and goodbye.

Saturday, May 31st the boys got up early to go fishing and so Brinlee and I slept in. At around 10:00 am I was in the camper trying to decide what Brinlee and I should do. My phone rings, it’s a number I don’t know but I answered it. A Custer County Sheriff Deputy was on the other end. He was asking me to go to my mom’s house as there had been an incident with my dad. I told him I was 50 miles away so I couldn’t…at that point I begged him to tell me what was going on with my dad. He was hesitant to tell me, but he finally said the phrase that I will never forget “self-inflicted gunshot”. I instantly started- crying and saying “NO”. Then I hung up and called Jason….5 calls later he answered. I told him what happened and he met us at the boat dock. At that point, I had to tell our kids that their grandpa had died. Brice and Brinlee spent numerous hours with Grandpa Ted. Brice was my dad’s right-hand man on the farm. Life as we knew it had changed.

We grabbed what we could and made the 50-mile drive to my mom’s house. It was the longest drive ever. We arrived at my mom’s house where I found my mom, sisters, and lots of family. I still to this day am amazed at the amount of family and friends at my mom’s house to support us.

As with any loss, the next few days are a blur with funeral plans, flowers, and trying to figure out the many questions.

We buried my dad on June 4th. A few nights after he passed I wrote “memories” of him and the plan was to have the minister read it. But at the last minute, we decided it needed to come from a family member so I read all the memories at my dad’s funeral. It was truly one of the hardest yet most important things I have done in my lifetime.

Now for a little background on MY DAD --- He was a joker, ornery, dancing, singing crazy man who was loved by all. Husband to Crystal, father to Amber, Trent, LaCosta, Belinda & Natasha, grandpa to Jayden, Hannah, Josey, Brice, Brinlee, Dagon & Darbie, and friend too many.

If you ask anybody that knew my dad, they would all agree he was the last person you would think would commit suicide. He was loved by many and was always there to help you. My dad did of course worry about his wife, kids, and grandkids….he spoiled us all!

Not saying he didn’t have things in his life he had to try and overcome….

My dad was a worrier; if he didn’t have something to worry about he worried about why he didn’t have something to worry about.

As of April 1995, my dad was a recovering alcoholic of 16 years.

June 1, 1996, we lost my sister LaCosta in a car accident. My parents’ strength at that time still amazes me.

His son Trent was in and out of treatment centers and jail for alcohol and drug addictions, which my dad constantly blamed himself for and was constantly thinking he needed to take care of him. Trent was actually in prison at the time of my dad’s death.

Dad was a caregiver by heart and was always taking care of his wife, kids, and grandkids….even as we became adults.

Starting in May 2009 he started showing signs of depression, he was a rancher and he always worried about his cows having feed and being able to survive as a rancher. After about 2 months his depression would get better but it would seem to resurface every May for the next 5 years. He always came out of his fog but in May 2014 he couldn’t fight the demons in his head any longer.

What I have learned after losing a loved one to suicide….

• I will forever have the “what if’s” and “why’s” unanswered.
• Time does not heal pain, even after two years I hurt worse some days than others.
• After loss due to suicide, you will lose others due to blame and hurt.
• Grief has so many stages of anger, denial, blame, and so many more.
• There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

For years (and I know many have this thought) I always thought suicide was selfish. I now have different views. Suicide is what the victim sees as the only way to get away from the darkness. They believe they are a burden and truly think everybody would be better without them. This is what needs to change with the people we love in order to get the statistics for suicide to change.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

The number to text is: 741741 (Text “Go” to this number for free 24/7 confidential help)