Finding Home in My Self

Posted by Becci McNeely on June 01, 2023

In 2019, after being home for 3 weeks, I packed a suitcase again and left my home country. This time, to leave for good.

Prior to this, it was typical for me to leave on extended trips. So, for me to leave again was no surprise to my family and friends. This departure, however, felt different, it felt concrete. A few months in, it felt unbearable. I was living in constant heartache for home. I pushed the feeling away, doing what I do best: push it down, avoid it if it surfaces, and never reveal to anyone that it’s hard. I convinced myself that this was what a strong, independent woman would do. This emotional process had become habitual, one that I thought was just my personality.

A year in and I’m leaning on substances to bring my spirit up or mellow me to be able to sleep. My face was raw with acne. I was convinced my face wash was to blame. I was vegan, not because I wanted to be, but because my stomach was in so much pain. I thought it had to be my diet and therefore cutting out options would help. These were the yelling signs that my mind and body needed help. Others revealed themselves through my constant mood shifts, dysregulation, lack of interest in exercise or socializing, shutting out, and shutting down. The list goes on!

The heartache was always there. A dull ache in my chest, a stone in my throat, and a heaviness sitting in my stomach. An ache that would develop into an all-encompassing pain. This pain stemmed from the blame I felt for missing my nieces and nephew grow up, my friends reach milestones, family members wade through hardship, and celebrate triumph. I didn’t know what to say to my niece when she would ask, “Can you come home tonight? I miss you”. I missed birthdays, weddings, school plays, performances, first steps, and last breaths. All of this was cause for my pain, but I would push it all away, convinced I didn’t hurt as much as I did.

My partner, who holds a huge capacity for me, and listens with big ears and eyes, delicately pointed out the pain he could see in me. This wasn’t the first time I’d experienced these feelings or reactions in my body, but this time it was loud and unmanageable. I couldn’t ignore it.

In 2020, I began therapy and started working as a field guide with Evoke. I began my journey of self-exploration and healing. I found that my wounds are deep, they are raw, they are real, and they need love and attention. I began the lifelong journey of learning about my Self, revealing my past, connecting with all my parts, trusting my body, and realizing that I’m going to be ok. I sit across from an empathic other who provides a safe space for me to show up in all my yuck, who listens, and who guides.

It’s hard. Some sessions leave me feeling exhausted and I just want to sleep, others allow me to feel like I could take on the world, some I don’t even want to show up to. But I keep going back, educating myself about my patterns, my experiences, my defenses, my needs, and my emotions. Connecting with my inner child, giving time to my heartache, recognizing my body’s responses, and using those as my guide. I find clarity and I find hope.

Recently, my Mum came to The States to visit. Upon her departure, I braced myself for the pain I’ve befriended upon our goodbyes.
I waited.
I searched.
It didn’t surface.

I felt sad and wished for another hug, but I didn’t feel like I’d lost my home again. Quickly, my old responses flared up. How can you not miss home? Do you not care about family? What is wrong with you? etc. As quickly as it came, it faded. Home from the airport, I sat down, connected to my body, and realized, I’ve created a home in me now! I finally understood Thich Nhat Han when he says “Your true home is in the here and now”.

I call these “my wins”. The moments where my ongoing work reveals itself in my day-to-day life. I still have all my parts, but I’m beginning to recognize when a particular part surfaces. And now I have a choice on if I provide it with a voice and I get to dictate how loud it gets. I let it come up without judgment (this part is the trickiest), I feel it, and connect with it in my body. This is all still new to me and I hope I always feel like a student to my own discovery. It’s never too late to begin this journey and it is an unimaginable gift to know that you are home in your Self.