Regulating emotions: my role as a parent (and therapist)

Posted by David Johnson, Ph.D. on August 19, 2014

Recently, I was playing catch with my two-year-old daughter, which is one of her favorite games lately. I’m hoping I can get a lacrosse stick in her hands before her next birthday. One of my throws was a bit too high and “Bonk” it bounced off her head. The look of shock on her face quickly melted into tears welling up in her adorable blue eyes. It is amazing how fast children learn the concept of secondary emotions, because soon after her hurt came the anger. A series of forceful one-liners: “No, No, No” erupted from her pursed lips. Then she attempted to walk past me and go to her room, which she’s learned to do in the process of her own emotion regulation. It’s a place for her to calm herself in her own space.

DaveThen, in a knee-jerk reaction, I reached out to pull her in to me. Of course, there is nothing wrong with soothing children with physical actions like a hug. And an apology is certainly warranted due to my miscalculated, although unintentional throw. However, the reality is that I was turning to this action as a means of acting on my own emotions. I was feeling guilty and as a result my own fears were activating. My anxiety was driving me to leap to irrational thoughts like “I’m a bad parent” and “Will she ever forgive me?!”. Instead of sitting with my own discomfort, I was “asking” that my little girl take care of my emotions by suppressing her own feelings. I couldn’t tolerate the uncertainty inherent in her taking some time to soothe herself. I needed her calm NOW and couldn’t tolerate waiting.

I share this story for two reasons: 1) to show that we are all on this learning journey together and I certainly don’t have it all figured out as a parent! And 2) because I’ve been so proud to see Second Nature parents allowing their children to go through significant emotional pain without rescuing them out of those emotions. This process is directly leading to adolescents and young adults who learn to regulate emotions on their own. It’s been an honor to watch parents write powerful letters to their children that open up a dialogue about difficult parts of their child or family’s past. And then even more impressive as they trust that their children are learning new emotion coping skills (mindfulness, sharing with peers, cognitive restructuring techniques, etc) in the absence of old dysfunctional methods of suppressing their emotions (drugs/alcohol, isolation, videogames, etc.).

As a therapist at Second Nature Entrada, I see no greater reward than helping parents learn to emotionally connect to their children in ways that make everyone healthier individuals.

For more reading on the topic of emotion regulation: http://psych.colorado.edu/~willcutt/pdfs/esbjorn_2012.pdf

Dr. David Johnson works with young adults at Second Nature Entrada.