Fathers, Let’s be More Relatable This Year

Posted by David Johnson, Ph.D., Therapist at Entrada on June 26, 2015

This Father’s Day I was reflecting on my clients in the field, my relationship with my own children as well as my Dad. I have heard countless young adult male clients talk about their fathers being on pedestals. Pedestals of emotional stability, stoic independence, financial success, and in general, power. I even remember one client drawing his father on top of a pedestal, while a young man stands at the bottom staring up at the ladder believing its impossible to reach that height.

In the social science literature this issue is embedded in a larger concept called gender role conflict. Beginning early in life boys are socialized as to what it means to be a man, by society and of course our own fathers. The conflict arises when these masculine gender role norms actually limit a person from being who they truly are or prevent them from acting psychologically or physically healthy. A few commonly understood areas of conflict are when men are “boxed in” as emotionally restrictive, unaffectionate with other males, and consumed with a need to be successful and achievement-oriented. I can certainly relate to an unhealthy achievement-orientation (see 70.2 mile Ironman triathlon finishing photo below), which leaves me bored or lacking in fulfillment unless I’m constantly climbing some ladder. My goal this season of my life is to be content with the present moment and especially savor life with my wife and daughters.

One of the reason’s I love practicing wilderness therapy is the ability to create a culture in a group of young adult men (at times my group is also co-ed) that directly challenges these assumptions about masculinity. The clients who receive the most respect in my group are the ones who are being the most emotionally expressive, especially of the softer emotions like sadness and fear (rather than just socially sanctioned anger). Field staff are constantly creating opportunities for peers to give affirmation to each other and discuss the bonds they are forging in an emotionally safe and sober environment. Lastly, a definition of success as broader than just financial or societal power is encouraged.

Here is where I see fathers being the most helpful. Dads, write to your sons (and daughters) about your own struggles in life. Open up your emotional repertoire and allow them to see you be vulnerable. Letting down your guard confirms that you are relatable. It will encourage a deeper connection and allow your children the space to be transparent about their own emotional interior. In general, show them your failures as well as successes to build a stronger father-son connection.

For an example of research in this area, click here see this study in the Journal of Men’s Studies.