What If My Child Is Suicidal?

Posted by Brad Reedy, Owner & Clinical Director at Evoke Therapy Programs on September 05, 2016

Evoke Brad Headshot 3 of 3Someone told me not to write on this subject unless I was prepared to write another book. They suggested, “Nothing you write, no matter how much, will be enough to answer the questions a grieving parent can ask.” Many reports suggest the greatest tragedy that a person can experience—which becomes compounded if the death is the result of a suicide—is the death of a child. As a father of four, I cannot imagine losing one of my children, and I cannot imagine how I would manage to go on with that kind of grief. I assume this is a wound from which I would never fully recover. When I am asked the question about how far a parent should go to essentially ensure their child’s survival, I cannot answer it. No therapist or expert can ever answer that question. Even if we did, and the parents followed our advice exactly, yet their child still took his or her own life, then the parents would likely blame both us and themselves for not doing more.

In the end, you cannot stop this tragedy from befalling you and your family, but you need to know of course, in your heart, that you have done everything you could. I once saw a medical drama where an experienced doctor was performing CPR on a patient long after the patient had died. When a younger doctor asked him why he kept trying, citing the odds against revival at this late stage, the older doctor replied, “We keep trying, even when the odds are against us, because we have to go out into the waiting room and tell the family, 'we did all we could do,' and we have to know that is true.”

I don't know where that line is drawn, the line that says you did everything you could do. This is something that only a parent can know. You have to know it in your heart. Former students of our program have died as a result of self-inflicted injuries—from drugs, suicide, or dangerous activities. The parents that seem to find some peace after the death truly believe that they did all they could, and they have made meaning out of the death by dedicating themselves to a cause. One mother requested to come and speak to groups of students to share her son’s story. A father asked that we read a letter at our parent groups where he expressed gratitude for his family’s involvement in our program years before. Another father who lost his son to a drug overdose founded a charity committed to funding drug treatment for families that can’t afford it. I received a letter from him thanking our program for our donations. Here is an excerpt:1

Your contribution to our charity, Saving Teens In Crisis Collaboration, finally brings the industry together under a common banner of philanthropy. On a more personal note, I wanted to thank you as the father of Michael Reuben, a boy some of you know. While Mike did not survive his disease, he had some great years before succumbing to it and thanks to programs like yours. Be assured that our efforts and your support will not be unrewarded. Our mission is to save many families over many years. That goal, thanks to your help, is now within reach.

One truism we know about our children is that they sometimes rely on us taking care of them, and when we give some of that responsibility back to them, they then start to take better care of themselves. A father once said to me about his young adult daughter, “I am finding that she gets more and more resourceful the less that I support her. Her improved insight and work ethic seems to be highly correlated with how much rent she has to pay as I back off from my financial support.” The borderline or suicidal patient enjoys a sense of “being cared for” in a hospital or residential treatment—in spite of their protestations—because they have a sense of safety, attention, and security. If they are finally left to their own devices in hopes of engaging their self-preservative resources, and they then take their own life, then the fact that a parent did all they could to try to save their child may offer a parent some peace. In the end, the consequences are too significant for anyone to abdicate responsibility to another. No therapist, parent coach, mentor or sponsor can tell you where to draw the lines. You have to decide when to send them to treatment, when to hold an intervention, when to cut them off, when to hold them so tight they cannot get away. You have to do this because it is you, and only you, that will know the pain should the unthinkable happen.

When I was a child, I would use statements of self-harm as a way to prevent my mother from instituting consequences. I was never suicidal, but the threat, for me, was a combination of expressing powerlessness and a conscious attempt to manipulate her. When I was considering sending my son to a Wilderness Program, he told me if that if I did, then he might kill himself. I let him know that was an extremely severe ultimatum, and that if he was serious, then his and our problems were far more severe than I had previously known. Parents who deal with the real threat or even with an actual suicide attempt know that a purposeful, passive, or accidental attempt of suicide is a real possibility. Children may use threats to manipulate, but the possibility that they might actually carry out a successful attempt is very real.

I know parents who have lost their children to natural causes or accidents. Even then, the parents who seem to be most haunted are the ones asking questions like, “Could I have done more? Could I have seen the signs and told her to come home earlier? Could I have taken her to see a doctor about her headaches?” The difference, then, is not in the death itself, but rather in a parent’s belief that he or she did all they could do.

While I cannot tell a parent how to or even if they should let go of the outcome of losing their child, I have seen another characteristic of families who have found some peace after losing a child. Their peace seems to come from a belief in a higher power or a trust in something greater than oneself. Ultimately, you cannot stop someone from taking his or her own life. And turning that loved one over, after doing absolutely everything that you can do, is one way that some people are able to find serenity. Turning your child over to God when you are sure you have done everything in your power to teach, treat, support, nurture, and protect your child from attempting suicide is a very personal and intimate decision that only you can make.

So, to answer the initial question: do everything that you can to prevent your child from committing suicide. In the end, there is very little that I can say that will provide comfort to those who are dealing with this issue. Find support from a community of those who have experience in this area. Only you can decide how far to go in protecting your child. No one can tell you or decide this for you. Look at yourself, look at your core, and find it. And forgive yourself for anything left undone. Because in the end, ultimately, after all we can do, we cannot protect our children from this devastating conclusion. This is not an abdication of doing your work, but the painful reality many parents have had to realize in these circumstances in order to forgive themselves. Years ago, I recall a public service ad where Carroll O’Connor 2 discussed the life of his son, Hugh, and how he ended his life as the effects of drugs consumed him. The commercial finishes with Mr. Conner pleading with the image of his son’s casket being carried by family and friends, “Get between your kids and drugs any way you can—if you want to save the kid’s life.”

Lastly, to the individual suffering through suicidal thoughts, I would offer this idea: Part of you needs to die; not all of you. There is some part of you that you need to let go of in order to move on and be happy. You have made the mistake of thinking that all of you needs to die. This is simply not true. You see there is no way out. This is a lie. It may be difficult and scary, but when you let go of an idea, a belief, the need to fit in or be good, you will find joy and liberation. Death in story telling is a motif for rebirth, Joseph Campbell explained, “We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.” These feelings and thoughts are not the invitation to end life, but rather it is the call for your new life.

 

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
The number to text is: 741741 (Text “Go” to this number for free 24/7 confidential help)

 

(J. Reuben, personal communication, 2010)

2 (2010, January 28). Carroll O’Connor PSA drugs [video file]. Televisionarchives. Carroll O’Connor PSA drugs [video file]. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gg_G-NeSmW0

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